This is my first post. I’m not sure I like how it turned out.
I’ve never built a website before, either. I made the header blue, and I’m not sure if that’s weird.
The first few sentences above came to me pretty quickly, and I even kind of like how I started. But now, I’m second-guessing everything—writing, deleting, outlining, shuffling, reordering, rephrasing, and then deleting again.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist. If you know me, that’s not a shocking statement. It’s been part of my so-called “process” since college—probably even earlier.
What is shocking is how long it’s taken me to recognize what my perfectionism was hiding.
My process wasn’t productivity. It was me spinning my wheels. I analyzed, revised, and iterated. Again and again.
I did that because I had high expectations. I was detail-oriented. I wore “perfectionism” like a badge of honor. I embraced it. After all, it was necessary if I wanted to accomplish and achieve my goals. I wouldn’t just meet the standard; I would blow past it and set a new one.
Or at least, that’s what I told myself.
2025 started rough. Brutally rough. I had just begun settling into a new role at work when my entire environment shifted. What followed was incredibly stressful, overwhelming, and exhausting. It was the worst couple of months in my entire life.
No matter what I did or how hard I worked, it was never enough. I gave everything I had. Yet, I still felt like a complete failure.
I’ve dealt with disappointing outcomes before. Normally, I could live with them if I knew I worked hard. But this time it was different. Doing my best—and knowing I had—wasn’t enough. Instead, it felt like my world was falling around me.
I was rapidly burning out. Thankfully, a very timely vacation and an unexpected change at work prevented that.
In the months since, I have been resting, recuperating, and reflecting. And I’ve realized that what I told myself about my perfectionism wasn’t the full truth.
There was nothing wrong with having high standards or wanting to do my best. The problem wasn’t my desire to succeed. That just wasn’t the whole story.
The reality is, I wasn’t striving to succeed—I was striving to be seen as successful. I wanted others to think I was competent, capable, and impressive. Perfectionism wasn’t a badge of honor. It was a mask. It hid my insecurity and pride under the surface.
That mask may have fooled others sometimes, but mostly, it fooled me.
It let me paint myself in the best possible light. It convinced me I was confident. But really, I cared more about what other people thought of me than I realized.
It’s genuinely difficult to admit that. Even now, part of me doesn’t want to share this.
I don’t want to hit “publish” until everything is perfect. I still feel like I should watch seven hours of YouTube tutorials on formatting WordPress headers. Maybe design a logo. Learn SEO. Take a writing class.
There is always something else I could do. Some excuse for why it’s not ready yet.
But I want to do something different.
So, I am posting this before feeling like I have everything figured out. This might seem like a small step. In some ways it probably is.
But this is my attempt to lean into “imperfectionism”. I’m trying to share a work in progress instead of a finished product.
I’m trying to embrace people seeing me as a work in progress.
So, here are some obvious truths:
- The design of my website isn’t great.
- This article will probably make me cringe later.
- I don’t really know how to blog.
And here are some harder truths—ones I don’t like admitting:
- I haven’t always been driven by a desire to succeed, but by a desire to be perceived as successful.
- I convinced myself that I was doing my best, but was just trying to demonstrate competence to others.
- I prioritized the wrong things and wasted time and energy because I thought others would notice.
This is me. Mask off. And very uncomfortable.
I am separating my desire to do my best from my desire to demonstrate my competence. They’re not the same thing, and I’m only just starting to recognize that.
So here we are. Welcome to Refining Daily. This is my place to experiment, have fun with writing, and share what I’m learning with anyone who wants to listen.
I have no idea what this imperfect site and article are going to turn into. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe not. Maybe thousands of people will read this, or maybe just my mom. Either way, I’m glad to finally admit this—and move forward.
I’ve come to see that my perfectionism was less about standards and more about appearance. Have you ever noticed that in yourself too?
I’d love to hear about it in the comments.
Comments
18 responses to “Removing the Mask – What My Perfectionism Was Really Hiding”
This is awesome! 😊❤️
Thanks babe! I love you so much and I really appreciate all of our awesome conversations and your support. It means so much to me and you are a huge reason for why I want to grow more and share it with others!
I love this. Thank you for sharing
Thanks Daniel!
Josh, this definitely resounds with me!! Putting off doing until the PERFECT timing, conditions, and understanding all come into alignment has been an all-too-familiar mentality for me, and it has kept me from living in the moment. Thank you for publishing this!!
Thanks Abbie, really appreciate your example and wisdom! So grateful for you!
Alright, I’ll admit it, Em was Ri…., you know!!!🤣
This also resonates with me believe it or not. I think it’s why part of the reason I retired. I genuinely loved the kids and striving to teach and coach them was fun and rewarding. Especially when I get to see them “all grown up”and they tell me we had a huge impact on them. The part that burned me out was the striving to be seen as a hard worker and a competent one by my peers and the coaches above me. Early on I would say “all for Jesus” but it wasn’t. It was all about compliments and kudos and pats on the back. I could never do enough, in my eyes, or achieve the perfect program. So I finally gave out.
What I am learning is that I never could have done enough because I was looking at it through the worldly lens.
Thankfully, I am learning and trying not to repeat the same mistake.
There, now we can both feel awkward together.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Gregg. I am totally with you, I’ve realized that I always had mixed motivations for what I was doing. Hopefully, I can be more honest with myself and do things for the right reasons.
Really appreciate you and grateful to have you in my life!
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, Joshua. I have been on my own journey as a “recovering perfectionist” and it’s been a long road but very rewarding. I feel like I can relate to you, and I am excited to hear more from behind the mask as you share with us!
Thanks Abby! It’s hard for me to figure out when I’m “doing too much” and being too much of a perfectionist, but I think that unraveling those mixed motives is a good starting point. Looking forward to sharing more!
Thanks for this, Josh!
Given that you are someone I’ve always looked up to throughout my life, it’s nice to hear that you struggle with some of the same stuff I do. I reached a point in journaling in which I finally realized just how strongly linked my pride and insecurity were. I feel a need to keep up my image all the time, and it’s exhausting. I also started becoming someone I didn’t like as I judged others for not being like me…
I’m usually not this honest to others, so thanks for writing this blog post. Also, thanks for sharing it, because I know that takes courage.
~Esther
Thanks for sharing that, Esther! I can definitely relate and it is not a fun feeling. It’s great that you are recognizing that much earlier than I did. I’m really glad that it resonated with you and I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts!
I fully resonate with this. I am unsure if I strive for perfectionism or the appearance. I look forward to reading more!
Thanks for reading D! It’s taken me a long time to figure this out. I think I still am figuring it out, but being more aware and thinking about it is a good start!
Josh, love this!
I’m certain many others (including myself) resonate with this deeply! It’s easy to desire to be successful and work hard and then also be paralyzed by the thought that you won’t be seen that way! Thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing!
Thanks so much for commenting Ella! I’m glad it resonated with you. Hopefully, we can both move on from that paralysis!
Aww Josh ! I love that you’re being real we all need a reminder that being ourselves doesn’t mean perfect. We all love you for being simply you a very kind hearted kid! Miss you.
Thanks so much for reading and the very nice comment, Angie! It’s great to hear from you and miss you too!