This is my first post. I’m not sure I like how it turned out.
I’ve never built a website before, either. I made the header blue, and I’m not sure if that’s weird.
The first few sentences above came to me pretty quickly, and I even kind of like how I started. But now, I’m second-guessing everything—writing, deleting, outlining, shuffling, reordering, rephrasing, and then deleting again.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist. If you know me, that’s not a shocking statement. It’s been part of my so-called “process” since college—probably even earlier.
What is shocking is how long it’s taken me to recognize what my perfectionism was hiding.
My process wasn’t productivity. It was me spinning my wheels. I analyzed, revised, and iterated. Again and again.
I did that because I had high expectations. I was detail-oriented. I wore “perfectionism” like a badge of honor. I embraced it. After all, it was necessary if I wanted to accomplish and achieve my goals. I wouldn’t just meet the standard; I would blow past it and set a new one.
Or at least, that’s what I told myself.
2025 started rough. Brutally rough. I had just begun settling into a new role at work when my entire environment shifted. What followed was incredibly stressful, overwhelming, and exhausting. It was the worst couple of months in my entire life.
No matter what I did or how hard I worked, it was never enough. I gave everything I had. Yet, I still felt like a complete failure.
I’ve dealt with disappointing outcomes before. Normally, I could live with them if I knew I worked hard. But this time it was different. Doing my best—and knowing I had—wasn’t enough. Instead, it felt like my world was falling around me.
I was rapidly burning out. Thankfully, a very timely vacation and an unexpected change at work prevented that.
In the months since, I have been resting, recuperating, and reflecting. And I’ve realized that what I told myself about my perfectionism wasn’t the full truth.
There was nothing wrong with having high standards or wanting to do my best. The problem wasn’t my desire to succeed. That just wasn’t the whole story.
The reality is, I wasn’t striving to succeed—I was striving to be seen as successful. I wanted others to think I was competent, capable, and impressive. Perfectionism wasn’t a badge of honor. It was a mask. It hid my insecurity and pride under the surface.
That mask may have fooled others sometimes, but mostly, it fooled me.
It let me paint myself in the best possible light. It convinced me I was confident. But really, I cared more about what other people thought of me than I realized.
It’s genuinely difficult to admit that. Even now, part of me doesn’t want to share this.
I don’t want to hit “publish” until everything is perfect. I still feel like I should watch seven hours of YouTube tutorials on formatting WordPress headers. Maybe design a logo. Learn SEO. Take a writing class.
There is always something else I could do. Some excuse for why it’s not ready yet.
But I want to do something different.
So, I am posting this before feeling like I have everything figured out. This might seem like a small step. In some ways it probably is.
But this is my attempt to lean into “imperfectionism”. I’m trying to share a work in progress instead of a finished product.
I’m trying to embrace people seeing me as a work in progress.
So, here are some obvious truths:
- The design of my website isn’t great.
- This article will probably make me cringe later.
- I don’t really know how to blog.
And here are some harder truths—ones I don’t like admitting:
- I haven’t always been driven by a desire to succeed, but by a desire to be perceived as successful.
- I convinced myself that I was doing my best, but was just trying to demonstrate competence to others.
- I prioritized the wrong things and wasted time and energy because I thought others would notice.
This is me. Mask off. And very uncomfortable.
I am separating my desire to do my best from my desire to demonstrate my competence. They’re not the same thing, and I’m only just starting to recognize that.
So here we are. Welcome to Refining Daily. This is my place to experiment, have fun with writing, and share what I’m learning with anyone who wants to listen.
I have no idea what this imperfect site and article are going to turn into. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe not. Maybe thousands of people will read this, or maybe just my mom. Either way, I’m glad to finally admit this—and move forward.
I’ve come to see that my perfectionism was less about standards and more about appearance. Have you ever noticed that in yourself too?
I’d love to hear about it in the comments.